Information technology'southward five answers to five questions. Hither we go…

1. My boss jokes nigh firing people

I moved from corporate to nonprofit about eight months ago and currently am a newer member (not the newest) of a good team. My boss is very touchy-feely and I am very not, merely nosotros have not had whatsoever conflicts and I have felt supported in ways I never did in the corporate world.

Notwithstanding, I demand advice on whether I tin can or should say something that is really bothering me. In the last eight months, she has made almost identical jokes to four people on our squad. We have a weekly group meeting and if someone is tardily (totally acceptable for this setting), when they practise enter the virtual coming together she always says, "Hey Jane, we have spent the offset office of the meeting talking most you lot and your performance and we volition need to permit you become." She immediately laughs, no 1 thinks she is serious for a single second, and she is a very sugariness woman. But it makes me crazy! Tin can I say something or do I need to just chuckle and bear it?

It's inexplainable when people in positions of power don't empathise that their power to yank someone's livelihood out from under them is non a funny joke. And yet, this happens style more often than you lot'd call back it would. Sometimes it's people who are uncomfortable with their say-so, sometimes it's people who are fascinated by their own authorisation, and sometimes it's people who are just thoughtless.

In any example, there's room to say something! The light-touch approach, if you want to endeavor it offset, is to react in the moment. The next time she does it, yous could but let yourself have a natural reaction — like looking stricken and saying, "That's really mean" or "That'due south atrocious."

That might be enough to jog her into reconsidering how the "joke" is going over. Only if she keeps doing it, you could say something to her in a one-on-one like, "You've joked a few times near firing people in meetings. It gives me a pit in my stomach every fourth dimension. I don't think we should joke virtually people's ability to support themselves and their families." If she's a by and large decent person who merely didn't retrieve this through, that'll likely get her to re-think it.

2. My awful quondam coworker works at the company I'm interviewing with

I was impacted by a restructuring concluding twelvemonth and have been actively looking for a new role. It has been taking longer than expected and a company I am very interested in called me regarding a position they thought I would be a good fit for.

My business is that I know a previous colleague, who I had a terrible experience with, recently starting working there. I believe they are in the same department just different team. My feel with this person was they were a bully and extremely hard to work with. My erstwhile company acknowledged to me that they were aware that this person was a problem simply did zilch nearly it. I would be very concerned about working around them again.

I took the first interview to acquire more, regardless of my business concern. At my interview, the department caput mentioned they recently hired this person from my erstwhile company. I did not react or respond in the moment. The company has chosen me to set another interview and have stated they want to move quickly with me and said, "Nosotros are very great on you. We run across you as a great fit." I am interested in the role and take indicated I would exist interested in standing the conversation.

Any suggestions for how I can raise my concerns without it looking bad on me or is it better to bow out gracefully and state another reason? I am concerned that if I don't enhance it proactively, they might hear nigh "a challenging dynamic" between us from one of my references.

I don't encounter myself existence able to accept the function without setting some expectation that I will not tolerate beingness bullied in the future and express my concern. I think they would want to know too as it could touch on the broader squad dynamic if not managed.

I'd bow out of the interview process. It's very tricky to tell a prospective employer that y'all don't become along with ane of their current employees or try to accost bullying before you're even working there. They don't know you lot, and so they're not equipped to judge which of you is the trouble and it's probable to sound like drama they'd rather just avoid. It's also such an unusual thing to heighten every bit a candidate that there'southward a run a risk, however unfairly, that you'll stop up looking high maintenance (again, they don't know you and are going on very limited data). In that location's also no guarantee that you wouldn't have a terrible feel with this person again (and aforementioned department, even if a different squad, is too close for comfort).

iii. Managing expectations of internal applicants when they're not right for the job

Whatever advice on what to do when a direct report inquires about their suitability for an internal job opening? I've been promoted (yay!) and at present demand to fill my old position. I accept two colleagues who I know are interested in applying for the role (which would be a stride up from their current roles). Ane of them is great, and this is exactly the kind of position they should be aspiring to in 3-4 years, but they just don't take enough management experience all the same. The other is … great in some ways, and has more experience so on paper might be a fit for this role, simply I've worked with them for long enough to know they are 1) incredibly disorganized and ii) a bad director. Both of them are fishing for "informal" conversations with me about whether they should apply. I don't want to automatically count them out, but I too don't want to requite them whatever false promise. How would yous handle this?

With the nifty simply inexperienced person, does the feel deficit already make them a clear-cut no? If and so, be forthright almost that: "We're looking for a rent with more management feel because ____, but you would be a really strong candidate for this kind of role in a few years." If it'due south non and so lucent: "I desire to exist up-front end that we're really emphasizing direction feel for the rent because ____, simply I however encourage you lot to throw your hat in the ring if you're interested."

With the disorganized bad managing director: If you'd been managing them for longer, ideally you'd give really clear feedback about the issues you see and why they'd be prohibitive for the job. With someone you just started managing, that tin can feel premature (even if you know it's not) so in this example the most I'd say is something like, "Two things we're really going to wait at for this role are management skill and ability to stay organized with a high book of work coming at you, so I would endeavour to speak to those in your application if y'all tin." (You lot can include other things on that listing likewise if information technology would exist weird to just name those two.) And afterwards on, assuming yous eventually decline them, give them feedback at that betoken about strengths the successful candidate had that they were weaker on.

4. Did I misunderstand my offer letter?

I piece of work as an instructor. Wages tend to be very low in this field. I was offered a very part-fourth dimension position (10 hours a week) educational activity a couple of classes. This is an hourly position, no benefits or stability.

The offer alphabetic character said: 20 hours a week at 50 dollars an 60 minutes. I knew I would merely be didactics 10 hours a calendar week. So, I interpreted the offer to mean 10 pedagogy hours + 10 prep hours. This is fairly common in our field.

I got my kickoff paycheck and I was paid just for the 10 hours I taught, not the 20 hours in the offer letter.

I did talk with 60 minutes and they said that the offer alphabetic character was meant to convey that 20 hours/calendar week was the maximum I could teach, not that I would be paid for 20 hours a week. Just at present I am getting paid half of what I thought I would be for this gig, and it's having a pretty significant event on my pocketbook and mood!

My question is, do I have to accept that? Did I just misunderstand the offer letter? It's absolutely my own fault for non clarifying with the manager before I signed all the paperwork, so I genuinely don't know whether I take anything to stand on hither.

I suppose information technology's possible that your field has some unusual norms effectually this, but in full general, no, you weren't wrong. A alphabetic character that offers yous xx hours a week of work generally means … they are offering you 20 hours a week of piece of work. Non upwardly to 20 merely actually 10.

Are y'all a contractor or an employee? If you're an employee, since you're hourly they're required by law to pay y'all for all the hours you work, which you should betoken out — as in, "To comply with federal law for hourly workers, we need to pay me for my prep fourth dimension also, which was 10 hours last week and which I expect to be 10 hours a week going forward. That'southward always been the standard practice I've seen in our field."

If you're a contractor, your options are more than express and depend on how willing you are to walk abroad if they won't budge. You tin point out that the offer specified 20 hours a calendar week, not up to twenty, and that you're being paid half of what the letter said you were signing on for, and yous can hold firm that y'all need to be paid for the 10 hours a week of prep work y'all're doing. If you're willing to walk away from the job over it, make that clear — as in, "I of course can't do the chore for half the pay I came on lath for, so what makes sense from here?"

5. How practise I inquire my interviewer near their frequent turnover?

I recently applied for a job and when I was searching for data about the position, I found an former job posting for the aforementioned position from around six months ago. Practice y'all remember it's okay to ask in the interview why they're having to fill the position again and then soon? Practice you accept any ideas on how to phrase it? I don't desire to be perceived negatively for request merely I also experience like information technology would be a major oversight to not try to detect out what happened, particularly as I'd be leaving a job I similar and that I'chiliad comfortable in for it.

From the LinkedIn profiles, it also seems like there are a number of managerial level staff who take started in the concluding 3-6 months, which seems similar information technology might exist a red flag. Any thoughts? Information technology's basically an administrative position so I don't recollect I could inquire to speak with diverse staff members before accepting or anything like that, but I desire to be as thorough as I can.

For the question about why they're filling the job again so soon, y'all don't need to dance around it! You lot can either ask how long the last person was in the role and why they left, or you can say, "Am I right in thinking I saw this position advertised about six months ago? … Can I enquire what happened that led to it beingness open again at present?" (Of course, keep in mind that they might have multiple slots for the job.)

So from there, you can go to, "What'due south your turnover like mostly? I got the sense from LinkedIn that you've have had a lot of new people first in the last six months or then, and I wondered if that's being driven by growth or turnover or something else…?"

Too, there'southward lots of due diligence you can do via networking, which doesn't rely on having to go all your info from your interviewers. Here'south some communication on how to do it.

This annotate section is open for whatever not-work-related discussion you'd like to have with other readers, past popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week:Yearbook, by Seth Rogen. It's presented every bit a collection of personal essays, only it'south really more of a memoir about growing up Jewish in Canada in the 80s and 90s, doing a lot of drugs, and trying to effigy out family, girls, and comedy. At the start I thought it might be A Bit Besides Much, but it's genuinely funny.

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

It's your Friday adept news!

ane. "Almost v years ago, I got my get-go 'existent' corporate job at a smallish company. At first, everything was great. Fast frontwards a few years to the starting time Red Flag. I constitute out our VP of 10+ years had been permit go when her email bounced back. If that's how the company treated loyal employees, how did they experience about depression level staff similar me?

After that, the work simply started piling upwardly. I realized later on on that the company was eternally trapped in a startup mentality. No existent plans, no systems, just a steady stream of firefighting. And I started making huge mistakes due to feeling so overwhelmed. I found myself in a painful coming together with my managing director who read a damning performance review list all my mistakes. I felt devastated.

I tried dipping my toe into the job marketplace to escape – only how practice you sell yourself to some other company when you don't believe in yourself? And and then we got some 'expert' news – our minor visitor was existence bought by a big corporation. Would they finally terminate acting similar a startup? Would I do good from the stability of an established visitor with a solid agreement of running a business? Nope. The small visitor merged with the large ane in a legal sense, not in a structural or cultural one.

Equally my mental land reached a new low, two pivotal things happened: 1) I listened to my partner validate my piece of work misery (i.eastward. it's not me, information technology's them) and 2) I stumbled upon your blog. I rewrote my resume because information technology sucked. To observe content, I scrolled through my Sent emails and wrote down everything in my notebook: frequent tasks, meetings I hosted and attended, any compliment I've e'er received, cost savings tied to my actions (with $$$ amounts!). Whenever I felt depressed, I reread this line from the resume post I linked: If y'all're having trouble thinking of your job in terms of accomplishments, imagine a actually terrible temp filling in for yous […]. What would go differently? What would autumn to pieces?

My goal was to apply for and then many positions that I wouldn't be able to proceed rails, and hence not be disappointed if I was rejected. Cheers to your weblog, my resume finally started yielding interviews. I received an offer from a major international corp and negotiated an 11k raise past using words from your web log verbatim. My new chore is terrific: my director truly manages both employees and workload. My co-workers couldn't exist kinder. I am so, then grateful for this blog. Young man overworked readers: in that location are bright spots in this bleak world. Endeavour not to requite up!"

2. "In early 2017 I left a loftier-paying merely stressful job to beginning a startup with a friend, and after three years of never gaining profitability I went back to full-time employment. Unfortunately, my skillset is adequately niche, and and so I compromised and took a job that was merely available to bide my time and rebuild my fiscal reserves. I week later the pandemic hitting, that company turned out to be incredibly toxic, and 6 months subsequently I left for another visitor. This next company had a much better corporate civilisation, but I was still not doing piece of work that matched my skills or interests, but the company culture was adept enough to make up for it. About a year later, the company concluded up getting bought out by a large multinational megacorporation that fabricated the friendly culture disappear practically overnight. And then I reactivated my resumé on a job search site, and almost immediately got not one only ii companies interested in me for my actual skillset!

Of the ii companies, one of them moved very quickly and also clearly had an amazing civilization (very similar to my current company's when I started there), while the other one played mindgames with me (which I will probable write well-nigh in a separate letter to get your opinion about) and had a number of red flags throughout the recruiting process. Fortunately, I had a very good interview loop with the first ane, and today only got notified that I will be getting an offer, and the ballpark figure (not still formal) is even higher than the high-paying job I left back in 2017."

three. "I work in a notoriously underpaid profession, where passion is to some extent expected to drive people. I do love my task, but the pay was getting ridiculous and I had been planning to ask for at least a 10% increase when some other chore came up which would have been closer to a 20%. I used all your cover-letter and interviewing advice and got the job offer!I  took their offer back to my boss and told her she could keep me if she got me a raise. She came dorsum inside 2 days and offered me a 30% pay ascent.

Thank you for your advice and I just wanted to share some encouragement with other readers. I accept struggled for some fourth dimension with mental health issues which made me second-guess and doubt my own worth at work, and I had let my long-running low pay become me down in a way I didn't even realise had affected me so badly until I got my pay rise. And so I just wanted to encourage people to know their worth, and know that your boss likely isn't judging you lot equally harshly as your ain internal critic."

four. "I've been giggling internally for a calendar week, so idea I'd share my good news: I've always slogged through looking for jobs, starting with part-time work in high schoolhouse. And then even though I'd been at my chore post-PhD for several years, taking on new responsibilities, I was convinced I was "stuck". Fifty-fifty as peachy people left and my dominate revealed new levels of toxicity, I didn't retrieve I had the skills to hack it outside of my lilliputian pond of academia. But I was burnt out and knew I needed to leave FOR something, earlier I got to the point I would take annihilation, just to become out.

Then I devoured your blog, which helped me establish boundaries at work as I made my plan, and helped me effigy out what was actually of import to me in a new position, AND helped me realize that "telling my friends I was looking to make a change" counts every bit networking. And sure plenty, a friend of mine knew somebody, so I did an informational interview, which led to some other informational interview, which turned into an e-mail of "I think nosotros could work together and could you please apply for this position?"

Interviewing over the winter holiday flavor definitely extended the procedure, but I kept at-home, maneuvered the recruiter into telling me the range of the position, and was upfront near my priorities. I was psyching myself up to negotiate when the offer came in: fully remote, at the peak of the range they quoted me (more than I said I'd have, and DOUBLE what I make now), and the company will sponsor my clearing visa. I asked tough questions during the interview, and actually believe my presently-to-exist manager when she says that the chore is 40 hours a week (my electric current director "doesn't believe in work-life balance"). I accustomed the offer, put in 3 weeks notice at my electric current job, and am happily spending this week making a transition plan, documenting all my projects and processes. I don't think I would accept had the confidence to do this, or the skills to do information technology and so well, if not for your advice. I transport all my friends to your blog! Thank you."

Information technology'south the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this postal service is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that y'all want to talk about (that includes school). If y'all desire an respond from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to accept your questions to other readers. (Questions only please — no posts but to vent.)

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please exercise non repost information technology here, equally it may be in my queue to reply.

It's four answers to iv questions. Here nosotros get…

1. My friend is near 30 and has never had a job

I accept a friend I have known since high school and she never had a job (non even a temporary part-time job). I merely heard of this information from my friend'south sister very recently. I just assumed that she had limited piece of work experience based on her reaction and impractical advice whenever I vented to her about workplace issues. Although I was worried about what she plans to do in the future as she rarely talked about her personal/career goals, I never actually nudged her to detect a job. I just idea information technology was non my identify to intervene and give out unsolicited advice.

Her sister told me that the only reason she is able to afford all her outings, apparel, living expenses, etc. is because she is funded by her family members. Her sister tried to persuade her to find a job merely she keeps on saying that she can't apply because no employer is going to hire somebody with limited availability as she is currently a educatee. This excuse doesn't make whatever sense because the bulk of the students here are ever eager to leap at the next opportunity to have more work feel to put on their resumes even while they are taking courses. What can I exercise to help her find a job?

It doesn't sound similar she has asked you to aid her find a job and so … nothing! If she ever does enquire for assist or advice, y'all tin tell her what your experience has been with getting hired as a student. But otherwise, your initial instinct that it's non your place to intervene sounds right.

Her family, on the other manus, is well positioned to encourage her to find a job, since they're supporting her financially. But that'due south betwixt them and her.

2. Company wants me to help the cheat the recruiter

A recruiter reached out with a job opening for me to consider and everything went well. The company is putting together an offer, but the possessor told me he wants to lowball the recruiter and make the difference up to me in a side contract. I've never worked with a recruiter before but that seems similar a shady manner to go almost information technology. Is this a normal affair or is it a subtle scarlet flag?

Not just a subtle cherry flag — a big glaring i! The visitor possessor is trying to cheat the recruiter of what is almost certainly a contractually obligated commission. (Recruiters are often paid as a percentage of the new hire's bacon.) The company owner is telling you clearly that he has no problem cheating the people he hires to work for him; that does not bode well for how he'd care for y'all if you worked there. And he'due south so flagrant about information technology that he thinks he can tell you exactly what he's doing and you won't care! It'south a massive red flag, to the point that I'd strongly recommend confronting moving forward.

Too, tell the recruiter.

iii. New rent demanding a promotion subsequently a year

I hired a young employee, Frank, almost exactly a year ago in an entry-level administrative office. They didn't have a lot of relevant feel but their enthusiasm and passion was infectious, and and then I made the call to invest time and resources to skill them up and to explore new opportunities over time. It was going great.

Now our piece of work is expanding so I proceeded to hire an additional, more senior role on my team. Information technology's a brand new position so I posted information technology for internal and external candidates to apply, and Frank applied. During the few weeks of the hiring process, Frank has been emphasizing that they don't really like a pregnant portion of the piece of work they do at present (a lot of which carries over into the higher level role) and that they want "more" (which I take to mean more than responsibility and recognition only they've struggled to elaborate). Ultimately I offered the college level position to someone external with several years more than experience and with demonstrable delivery to this line of work. Backside the scenes, I started talking with my department head about finding a different role that Frank would relish more and would likely be a level up, and started to get the brawl rolling. I hadn't yet had an opportunity to hash out this with Frank and didn't want to over-hope anything, but would let them know (when I broke the news that they didn't get the posted job) that I was in their corner to help them notice a better fit and that nosotros'd work together to brand something happen.

When I told Frank they didn't get the job, Frank immediately shared that they take another task offering, and that we need to match their salary and increment their job level within two days or they're gone. In some means I'm not surprised — especially when our city is expensive so higher pay is definitely valuable, and it's a nonprofit so pay is very often less than it is in for-turn a profit companies.

Only it's been almost a year, requite or take a few weeks. Is it the new norm that people look a promotion and a raise at the one-year mark? Especially in a role and field they're make new to? My agreement is that yous've got to put a couple years into a visitor, abet for yourself, make squeamish with the senior leaders, etc. to move up. Am I behind with the times?

Information technology's ever been pretty common to consider raises roughly annually; non every organization does it that way, merely it's reasonable for an employee to ask to revisit their salary every year or so, peculiarly when they're one year in (since they're probably contributing at a significantly greater level now than when they first started). Promotions are different; there are some fields where it's the norm to look to be promoted later a year, but those are exceptions and you'd know if you were in one.

What has changed is that it's easier than ever right now for employees to increase their pay by going elsewhere, since the chore market favors workers so strongly at the moment. So information technology's not surprising that Frank has another opportunity. That in itself doesn't mean you should offering Frank more than than you were planning to do, but you should consider whether you're compensating them (and everyone on your staff!) appropriately for the current market. But at the same fourth dimension, don't be pressured into offering more than y'all call up makes sense for their level of contribution but to keep them from taking that other offer.

iv. I did three months of interviews, they rejected me, and they won't tell me anything more than

I piece of work in nonprofit communications and lengthy application processes are pretty much the norm. I applied for a position in fall 2021 and by early on 2022 had washed a writing test and 4 interviews, the final of which was the concluding circular and conducted past members of the arrangement's executive leadership team. I felt like each conversation went very well and I was increasingly eager to get the position. The exec team said I would hear back within a week, simply to permit them know if I had competing offers and they would get dorsum to me more than rapidly with a final determination, which felt similar a proficient sign.

Instead, ii weeks pass with no word. I followed upward with my would-be supervisor at the organization and a few days afterwards received a generic, automated response saying they were moving forrard with other candidates — the kind of message an unabridged candidate puddle receives at the stop of the process. I was disappointed and frustrated with the lack of feedback after what felt like a very positive, though lengthy, process, but figured the other candidate who made it to the end must take been a meliorate fit.

Even so, the organization reposted the verbal same position once more the following week. I emailed the supervisor asking for whatever feedback on my candidacy — partly to see if there was any chance of reapplying, only mostly considering I'm worried I unknowingly accept something disqualifying in my background/application. I wanted to meet if there was anything tangible I could amend upon for future applications, only I haven't heard anything since.

Practice you have any kind of insight into why the process would be so weird? Or maybe information technology's not strange at all? Either fashion, I'chiliad moving on and looking for other roles, but I tin't tell if it's a me problem or a them problem — a little closure at this point (especially after iii+ months of application limbo) would be helpful.

Well, they did requite you closure — equally much as you're probable to go, anyway. It'south not the specific closure yous wanted, but they sent y'all a rejection email letting you know they weren't going to move forwards with your candidacy. The subject line of your electronic mail to me was "did I get ghosted after three months of interviews?" but y'all didn't go ghosted — they contacted you with their determination, which closes the loop. Information technology sounds like you want feedback as well, but a lot of organizations won't give that (I talk about the reasons for that here).

Given how far you got in the application process, if I had to guess I'd say that your candidacy was perfectly fine but just non exactly what they're looking for. That'south really common — someone can seem smashing in many ways only for any reason doesn't hit the specific bar the hiring managing director wants or needs. Sometimes it'due south a situation where they've assessed you as "practiced" only they're looking for "groovy" — they effigy yous could probably practise the job but they think they can become someone who can practice information technology improve. (And sometimes that can be a realistic assessment and it does make sense to hold out for "dandy," although it's frustrating to candidates.) Sometimes information technology's something y'all could never know from the outside — like that they thought yous'd clash with a difficult stakeholder or that yous have great skills in 10 merely so does one-half their existing squad and they desire someone who brings something additional. Or, who knows, they might just be indecisive and bad at hiring.

I think you're assuming that the fact that they oasis't selected some other candidate but rejected y'all anyhow must hateful something went wrong. But this sounds like a pretty standard feel. You went through their process and they liked yous but you weren't strongly enough matched with what they're looking for, so they let yous know and they're continuing to look at other candidates.

A reader writes:

I piece of work at potentially the well-nigh dysfunctional toxic company on the planet. While my list of complaints is exceedingly long, i of the biggest ones is the attitude that information technology's unreasonable to expect a work-life balance. I regularly work 9-10 hours a day (salaried), but have gotten comments about leaving "early on." Whatsoever time before eight pm is considered early on, I approximate.

Lately I've been hearing 60 minutes say we are expected to piece of work "professional hours." I typically piece of work 8 am – 5 pm, sometimes later, and never have breaks (except to read your blog!). I'm under the impression that those are not considered "professional hours" here, merely it'd be totally normal anywhere else I've ever worked! So, is this A Thing at present? Or did my employer brand it up to become people to work more hours? Since they don't seem to understand the meaning of "professional" in general, I'k inclined to retrieve information technology's just made-upwardly nonsense.

Whatsoever thoughts on this? I'm looking to leave ASAP, but knowing my 45-l hours/week is considered unprofessional simply makes me angry.

They fabricated it up.

Professional person hours are typically considered nine-five, 9-six, 8-5, or diverse variations reasonably shut to that. eight pm is not a typical ending time.

It's possible that past "professional hours," what they really mean is "you are exempt, salaried professionals and you're expected to stay until the job is done, not piece of work to a clock." That's reasonable only if (a) your workload has slower times too and (b) the flexibility they want from y'all goes both ways and you tin leave earlier than, say, v during those dull times when your workload allows. But if you're getting comments about leaving early any time you go out before 8 pm, that's not the case.

It sounds like your company is just trying to pressure you into working long hours all the time past attempting to rewrite the definition of "professional." They are wrong.

Here are three updates from by letter of the alphabet-writers.

1. Friend is pranking coworkers past repeatedly falling downwardly

I wanted to ship in an update nearly my "friend" (who is actually my sibling who uses they/them pronouns) who I wrote about two and a half years ago here.

My sibling connected to do inappropriate things at piece of work and continued to react with extremes every time I disagreed with them or tried to set a purlieus. Sending in this question and seeing the responses was the beginning of me realizing how messed up our relationship was, and how much pain and anxiety it brought me. I went to therapy and gained some boundary-setting skills, and in the last half-dozen months I accept finally put a lot of distance between myself and my sibling. It has been cracking! I am so much happier and confident in all my relationships now that I can ready boundaries, and I also am happier not caring and so much about my sibling's antics. I spent and then much of my life trying to "help" them, and I now know that I tin can't make them change and I can't be responsible for their deportment.

As for my sibling: once COVID happened, they began "working from domicile" which for them meant taking three 60 minutes naps during the workday. They started strange conflicts with their supervisor and said inappropriate and concerning things as "jokes" (similar joking about death and dying). Merely the other twenty-four hours, they let our family know that they quit their job with no other job lined up, which makes me wonder if they were finally coached out. They have some sort of plan to volunteer then get a social work degree from Canada. Only their monkeys are no longer my monkeys and I accept exited the circus. :)

2. My coworker feels entitled to my time, expertise, car, and house

You were kind enough to publish my letter of the alphabet and both you and the readers gave me some first-class communication, so I thought I'd send an update.

Essentially, in my state of affairs, the pandemic turned out to be very helpful, because everyone scattered to work from home indefinitely and many people moved abroad entirely. I was able to buckle down and work on my own projection with few interruptions by but ignoring my e-postal service and all the meetings they'd planned that weren't part of my job description. Information technology's much easier to say no when information technology just means non responding to requests for unreasonable time drains, though I did do some guest lectures etc. to keep my network active.

My problematic co-worker moved back home and got married – when I wouldn't go to her non-covid-safe hymeneals, we more or less cruel out of contact. Nosotros have now both defended our PhDs and left the programme, though much to her chagrin, I got there slightly ahead of her.

Since my funding ran out before I could end due to having to suit my inquiry to what was possible in the pandemic, I moved to an expanse with a much lower cost of living and got a part-time job as a lecturer at a local technical college. It turns out that if I upkeep advisedly, I can actually become by here on a 20h/week job while still owning a motorcar and renting a two-bedroom flat just for myself, so while I'm casually searching for a second chore or freelance work to rebuild my savings, I'g mostly merely enjoying having actual free fourth dimension!

I miss the international research community (and the frequent briefing travel) of my previous phase of life, but there's a lot to be said for this change of pace.

3. I love my job simply hate my boss (#3 at the link)

Unfortunately, everyone was right. Before long after this, I fix meetings with a couple members of the Executive Council I take relationships with and trust. They listened, they protected me, they documented. There was no retaliation. They said they would be "asking more than questions" and "determining appropriate action." I simply know for certain of i other coworker they talked to about information technology.

Nosotros've had resignation afterwards resignation and nothing changes. So, it was fourth dimension to move on. I'm starting a new job elsewhere adjacent month!

i expect to dearest my new visitor and coworkers just as much equally I practise now — without the added bullying. While I'thousand frustrated that I went through the mental stress of trying to make a departure, at least I can walk away knowing I truly tried everything.

Last week we talked almost the smallest amount of power you've ever seen someone abuse. Merely people can too utilize even small-scale amounts of power for practiced — similar the crossing guard who wasn't really a crossing baby-sit, or the graphic designer who sabotaged a homophobic group'due south ad in her newspaper.

This calendar week, let'southward talk about times when you've seen someone exploit their ability for skillful. Specifically: times when yous saw someone violate the letter or the spirit of a rule or otherwise do something that could technically be considered nether-handed in order to achieve good in the earth. Please share in the comments!

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

ane. I'm physically separated from my team and I'k getting left out

I transferred to a new part in a new building a few months agone. Half of the floor where my office is was full, the other half empty, with the two halves separated past patient examination rooms. Due to space, the only open office is at the consummate contrary end of the floor, all by itself. While my coworkers are friendly when I venture out at pause and lunch times to chat, there seems to be a addiction of forgetting I'm hither when information technology comes to social things. Examples would be ordering luncheon out as a grouping, birthdays, etc. A couple of times earlier a holiday, staff was allowed to leave early on, and nobody told me. I literally walked out to observe I had been in the building alone for what I constitute out later was a couple of hours. At Christmas, the front desk-bound was busy with a stocking hung for each employee — except for me. Apparently in that location is now a potluck and grab bag as well planned for tomorrow, and nobody told me about that either. I scheduled patients during the event since I didn't know to block fourth dimension off.

I really don't think information technology's annihilation personal, every bit everyone has been friendly. I actually think it'southward geography — in that location is zippo at this terminate of the building anyone needs, so they forget about making a special trip only to find me. I would love to exist able to move to an role by everyone else, but there truly isn't one open.

I have fabricated some comments nigh it being lonely down hither and I don't always know what is going on, and I always cheerfully did what I could to participate when finding things out at the terminal infinitesimal, but I haven't directly said I'm feeling excluded because I don't want to come off equally overly sensitive or make others feel bad. But I'll admit, I'thou actually starting to feel hurt when this keeps happening. What is a better way of making the point I want to exist included without coming off unfavorably?

You're not being overly sensitive! Nigh people would feel excluded in your shoes because you are in fact being excluded, even though it doesn't sound like it's intentional.

Is at that place one person who organizes virtually of these events, or 1 especially social person on the team? If and so, talk to that person directly and say you'd like to be included in social stuff but think you're being overlooked because you're far away and enquire if they can requite a heads-upwards when those events are being planned.

It'due south worth proverb something to your boss too. Some of what you've been left out of sound like official team things, and it's part of your managing director's job to ensure you're included in those. Explain to your boss what'southward been happening, say y'all really want to be included with the rest of squad, and ask how you tin ensure that you're non left out in the time to come. You could advise sending communications almost squad stuff to a squad email list or in a team Slack channel where everyone volition accept the risk to see information technology.

Call back, also, about ways you can stay visible to your coworkers. For case, if your team uses Slack, can you make a bespeak of beingness active on in that location? Or stopping past the other part of the floor a few times a day (maybe getting your java in that location if that's an selection, or just having a conversation in person that you otherwise might have used IM for, etc.)? Putting yourself physically in their space more ofttimes might help you stay visible.

2. Interviewer idea I was drunk … information technology was side effects from a medication

I used to piece of work in tech, as a spider web developer. I was looking for a task, and landed an interview at a super trendy business, with really good pay and benefits. I was thrilled.

I was also on the edge of a panic attack. I had mental illness issues, and they were not only not well managed, but I didn't take access to practiced care. So the clinic doctor prescribed me Ativan to go on my panic attacks under control, and I was even told I could bulldoze while on information technology (this would turn out to exist false, and I'one thousand VERY lucky I didn't current of air up in an accident back then). The Ativan worked great. I felt like I was the smartest, most confident person in the room.

Because I'd had panic attacks at previous interviews and had subsequently tanked them, I made sure I was loaded up with my wonder drug so I could ace this particular interview. I'd never had it for my interviews before, merely I'd taken it at events and so I knew I'd exist not bad on it. (This is where you should be noticing the foreshadowing.)

I had my interview, did the code test, and went dwelling thinking I'd mastered it. I should have seen the writing on the wall the adjacent morning when I woke up, swore, and realized there were half a dozen other ways to accept done the code test, all of which were better than what I did. Just I was certain they'd have been paying attention to what it was I was trying to do instead, and I was mannerly and intelligent, and then I was sure I'd be accepting a hiring electronic mail before long. The side by side 24-hour interval I got an email telling me they were not moving frontwards with my application. I asked what I could have done to amend, and the guy I'd interviewed with said, "Honestly, we don't hire people who show up drunk to interviews."

Turns out that confidence was me, acting like a drunk person, and I'1000 an obnoxious drunk. I never took the Ativan again.

How should I have handled this at the fourth dimension? I was (and still am) utterly mortified at my behavior. Could I take explained the situation to the interviewer? Should I have told them I was not, in fact, drunk, only on a medication that had unforeseen side effects?

Oh no!

Y'all could have written back something similar, "I'k horrified that y'all idea that! I'm adjusting to a new medication that has side effects I didn't foresee. I can assure you lot I take never drunkard earlier any piece of work event, permit alone an interview, and I'1000 mortified if it appeared that I had. I'd exist grateful for a chance to interview without the side effects in the way, if that's something you'd consider."

They might not accept agreed to a re-do, only you'd have ready the tape straight in a way that would probably help if you ever wanted to apply in that location once more (or, even if you didn't, could yet exist helpful reputation-wise).

iii. Surprise interview for an internal promotion

I recently applied for a promotion. Both my manager and I knew I did not take the desired feel, just my director wanted me to apply so that I would be on the hiring managing director'southward radar when I do accept the desired experience.

The hiring manager sent me an email asking for me to stop past for a "brief chat" later that same 24-hour interval. As the extent of my relationship with this private was the occasional "hi, how are ya?" in the hallway, I assumed information technology would just to be an informal become-to-know-you. When I got to their office, information technology turned out to be a full-on job interview with the manager and their #2. I did not feel I was at my best because I had not prepared at all for a job interview and was not able to mention my full array of experiences that show I would be able to acquire rapidly in the new role. Am I incorrect for thinking it was very unprofessional to have a "surprise interview"?

Agggh, I don't know why people do this! If it's going to exist an interview, they should call it an interview. It's inconsiderate not to, information technology doesn't gear up yous upwards for success, and it doesn't ready them up for success either, since they might have gotten a better sense of you as a candidate if you'd known what the conversation was going to exist.

That said, it's possible they took this approach because you and they both knew you didn't have the experience they were looking for then they were treating the process more than informally than they would have otherwise. They might have seen it more every bit a perfunctory meeting they had to check the box on than anything else, and they might not accept been fully in the loop on your manager's "go on their radar for down the road" strategy.

For what it's worth, I'g not a huge fan of what your manager suggested! Unless it'southward a norm in your company to do that (and in some places it is), applying for a job you're clearly non qualified for tin come beyond as if you're naive virtually what it takes to practice the role or not accurately assessing your own skills. I wish she instead had encouraged y'all to fix a non-interview coming together with the hiring manager to express your interest in moving into that type of role in the future and to become communication on how to all-time position yourself to do that.

four. Declining to travel for a work event that feels unsafe

My role is 100% remote, but my team wants to get together for an in-person meet-up. Nosotros live around the land, so this would mean flying out to the meet-upwards identify, spending multiple days in hotels and restaurants, and then flying home. I have an immunocompromised family fellow member, and specifically looked for a remote role to go along them rubber. I don't feel prophylactic or comfy being part of this activity, merely my team is very much pressuring anybody to participate. How do I politely turn down? Is it possible to do so?

Unless your workplace is wildly dysfunctional, information technology should indeed be possible to decline. I'd say it this way: "I'yard not able to fly or practise trips yet considering I accept an immunocompromised family member who I'd be endangering. I'd exist glad to attend well-nigh if that'south an selection though."

5. Job posting asks for candidate with "low ego"

What does it mean when a job posting says they demand someone with a "low ego"? It feels concerning but I can't put my finger on quite what information technology implies most the workplace.

Ofttimes hiring managers are haunted past their last bad hire — meaning that when they're hiring, they get disproportionately focused on avoiding any the problems were with the terminal person (frequently at the expense of screening for other important things). So it's possible that's what's happening here — that the last person was heavily ego-driven, it caused problems, and they want to avoid it this time.

But it's also possible that it says something about their civilization — similar that you need to have an unnaturally thick skin because you lot're going to be harshly criticized all the time, or that you won't go credit for your work. In fairness, it could be less negative too; information technology'south possible that it's something relatively innocuous like "nosotros have a specific vocalization for our make, it'southward hard to chief, and you demand to be comfortable with a real learning bend as you practice."

Since in that location are and then many possibilities, you should enquire if you lot stop upwards interviewing. It'due south fine to say, "Your advertizing said you're looking for someone with a low ego. Can yous tell me more about why y'all included that for this office?"

A reader writes:

Management fired an employee, we'll telephone call him Marker. Mark is one of our field technicians. His functioning is spotty, at best. He oft calls out, and his attitude bluntly sucks. This past week alone, he called out once, didn't wake upward for a night job he was scheduled for (he was off all twenty-four hours to residual beforehand), used the company credit carte inappropriately, and gave our dispatcher grief when she tried to send him to a job at v pm (techs are assigned jobs up to 6 pm). Mark has always had these issues, but things have gotten worse over the last 3-4 months. Because of all the well-documented reasons above and more, direction made the conclusion to fire him. And he was permit get.

Later on, my coworker, Dan, went to Mark'south vehicle with him. This is standard — we make certain technicians take all their possessions off the truck and leave the tools and equipment we provided. After a couple minutes, Mark told Dan to "hang on" and "not touch on some other effing thing" earlier marching back into the building. Mark then demanded to meet with the managing director who fired him, the manager's directly supervisor, and the company possessor to plead his instance as to why he should be kept on. I'grand not certain what was said, just with all the evidence stacked against him, we all assumed he would exist dismissed (since he had already been fired).

Alison … they unfired him. With mountains of documentation of poor chore operation, frequent call outs, and a bad attitude, I'thousand non actually sure what they were thinking. Doesn't it set up a bad precedent if direction says "Just kidding! This problematic employee said pretty please, and then we're not going to fire him after all"? It'southward all employees are talking most today, because we're all … aroused isn't the correct word. Aghast, possibly? Marking is someone nosotros've all had at least one issue with. I'm probably more perturbed than well-nigh because I work then closely with Marker. Every job he goes to, I procedure the paperwork and guild materials needed. And there is ALWAYS a problem.

It seems petty to inquire if I can leave my job over this. I've been at the company for five years and, in general, love my work. Only I think this instance just demonstrated how ineffectual our management is. Not just in this circumstance, either. This is more a example of the harbinger that bankrupt the camel'south back, every bit it were. We frequently joke that the only thing consistent here is the inconsistency of direction, which is never a good matter.

And then even if the advice is "be like Elsa and allow information technology get," can you offer advice on how to grapple with this? How do I reconcile a practiced place to work (usually) with this new info? Am I wrong to remember direction handled this poorly?

Then, in theory, there could be more to this than y'all know. For example, while Mark sounds Highly Problematic in many ways, if they gave him Specific Reason X for his firing, and Mark pointed out that Specific Reason X happened to disharmonize with, say, a medical accommodation he was entitled to under the Americans with Disabilities Act, it could explicate your company backtracking. That doesn't hateful that someone with ADA accommodations can do whatever they want without risking their chore — it definitely doesn't — merely if i specific thing led to the firing, that ane specific thing rightly should be scrutinized. In that location are a whole bunch of other similar scenarios that you lot wouldn't necessarily know nigh. Some other example: if Marking had simply made a good faith report of harassment or discrimination, firing him right subsequently that would look awfully suspect (peculiarly when none of his bad beliefs had been enough to go him fired previously).

Of course, if it happened that way, it would hateful your visitor had acted without legal advice, which is a really impaired thing to exercise if whatsoever of those problems were in play.

Alternately, it could be none of that. Marking might have just pleaded his case and they changed their minds because they suck at managing. Or who knows, maybe Mark has some seriously weird dirt on the company possessor and threatened to expose information technology. Yous might never know what happened, although I bet you'll showtime hearing rumors.

Regardless, though, what you practice know for sure is this:

* Your coworker is unreliable, bad at his job, and rude to colleagues, and your company is non holding him accountable for that. They tried but they're either so weak that they caved to his pressure or they did it so incompetently that it didn't stick.

* This is part of a blueprint of bad management at your company, and you have no reason to think that volition change.

Mark is a symbol of that 2nd point, and it'due south the 2nd point that really matters. It's the 2nd indicate that you have to decide if you're willing to continue to live with or not. It's not petty if yous decide you're non.